…and it was scary.  But 1) in the fifties and early sixties everyone’s dad punished them, and 2) in retrospect the punishment, although physical, was almost laughably mild.

Before I continue to rationalize, let me state that my dad hit us.  (I was going to make this the title of this post, but found it too damning.)  His typical punishment was a milder form of one used by the Japanese who occupied Korea during his teenage years.  He would line us up side by side and make us stretch our arms out and leave them there.  As we tired and let our arms droop, he would swat our legs and yell at us to hold them up again.  Sometimes he would pull up our pant legs before swatting us, acting like he was incensed, and this we found especially scary.  But, with forty-five years of retrospect, I realize that his punishment did not hurt (except for the lactic acid which built up in our arm muscles).

One of my siblings has bitter feelings about what he calls “abuse” at the hands of our dad.  I do not fully share in his feelings.  But to be fair to him, his fear at being punished was not shared, but endured by him alone.  Another one of my siblings tried using the lactic acid punishment on his own kids until his outraged wife stopped him.  To my knowledge he did not beat his kids.

My own feeling is that one should not hit his kids, unless he wants to teach his kids to hit others.  If the lesson is that “might makes right”, a parent can expect to be hit by his own kids when they become bigger and stronger than him, which often happens in their teenage years.  Many people will admit to “spanking” their kids, as if spanking is not hitting.  But it is, given that it is an assertion of control by the stronger party over the weaker one.  Have you ever seen the look on a child’s face when they have just been hit?  His face is screwed up in a turbulent mix of fear, humiliation, and hatred.  It is not a pretty sight, but it is one that you have created.

What about my well-meaning but “abusive” dad?  I don’t wish to judge a man in the 1960s who was brought up the object of corporal punishment, trying to control a household of six children while under professional and career pressures.  It was fashionable to have large families back then, and many parents did not know how to handle their kids.  It is not an easy task, especially when you are outnumbered.

But here in the year 2014, I feel that parents should have a clear idea of what kind of person they would like their child to become, and model that for him as well as they can.  If that includes using force to control others, then you can expect to take the credit, and responsibility, for the adults they become.