(Presented at open mike night, Trail’s End Cafe, Concord MA, February 11, 2019)

First of all, I just want you to know that this is a COMEDY sketch. In fact, it’s my first one ever. I just retired from being a doctor, so I’m trying to find something new to do with my life. Since I’m also Korean, I thought I’d try the comedy thing, kind of like Ken Jeong but without the nudity. (Don’t worry I’m not going to start taking my clothes off…)

The reason I just retired is that five months ago I had a HEART ATTACK. And not one of those little heart attacks that makes you feel a little bit of indigestion, but you go into the emergency room anyway and there they do an EKG and get blood tests and come back to you and say “Why don’t you come stay with us overnight? We have a nice bed for you in the CCU.” No, not one of those heart attacks.

This one was a BIG HONKIN’ heart attack, complete with a slam dunk to the cath lab, arrest on the table, seven gigundo electric shocks, ECMO, which sounds like a science fiction robot but is really a heart lung bypass machine, and two months in the hospital on a Disney ride through hell. Although actually, it wasn’t hell for me–I was asleep. It was hell for my wife Carol. Luckily, Carol is a very strong person.

Anyway, this little sketch is not about my heart attack (although I just spent several minutes telling you about it), but about the AFTERMATH, the bottom line being this: Being a cardiac patient is NO FUN!

I am NOW OLD. However, I was not always old. I used to be young. In fact, I used to be as young as many of you in this room! I look at young people walking down the street, and I think, “I used to be able to walk like that!” And I’ve had both my hips replaced! As I grow older, you might expect that I would feel older, but no, I have continued to feel pretty much like a kid. I just the other day figured out that this is why I keep listening to the sixties channel on Sirius satellite radio. All of the songs they play were on the radio when I was about fifteen! So listening to these songs makes me feel young. (Although actually I did see a fifteen year-old kid in the mall yesterday and realized, no, I don’t really wanna be fifteen again.)

Be that as it may, being reminded that I am old is always an INSULT to me. For one thing, I have been shedding hair like crazy. Also, I’m on a new blood thinner called ticagrelor (great name!) and so I find unexplained BRUISES on myself every day. Every time one is gone two new ones pop up.

Also, to make matters worse, I am a “PICKER”. I am constantly picking at my lip, my skin, and any little scabs that may have grown up from my prior episodes of picking. This leads, of course, to bleeding, and now, instead of stopping in a few minutes, it just doesn’t stop. I have to put a little piece of wadded-up tissue on it and look for a piece of tape. Of course, I am never on the same floor that the Band-aids are on when this happens. Maybe it’s time to spend $2.99 on another box of Band-aids…

A few weeks ago I went to the ORIENTATION for cardiac rehab, and I asked the physical therapist if it was okay for me to shovel snow. She got very excited and said me, “Get someone else to shovel your snow! We want you to avoid going out in twenty- or thirty-degree weather.” I looked out the window and said, “Wait, where are we living?” Very seriously she told me not to breathe in cold air, to wear one of those mufflers or scarves so that I would be breathing in my own warmed gases.

Following her instructions, I find a mixture of good and bad things. Using the scarf is protective, but it prevents me from feeling one of the joys of life, that FIRST BREATH of cold, bracing winter air when you go outside that makes you feel alive! The other thing is that, when you’re all bundled up like that, you have no idea how cold it actually is, so you don’t know what you’re missing! The third thing is that being afraid of going outside and breathing is depressing.

The dietitian’s instructions were equally helpful. She led off with “Of course, we don’t want to deprive you of anything which is a joy in your life!” Which she followed up right away with “But fruit juice is a definite no-no!” I looked at her.

“Freshly squeezed ORANGE JUICE is one of the joys of my life.” She smiled at me. “You know of course that the sugar in orange juice causes a spike in your triglycerides and also a spike in insulin and then…” her voice trailed off when she saw the look on my face. “Freshly squeezed orange juice is one of the joys of my life. If I am deprived of freshly squeezed orange juice my will to live will be severely compromised.” Again she saw the look on my face, which showed that I wasn’t kidding. “Maybe you can consider using a smaller glass…”

“Let’s go on. Do you eat red meat?” I looked at her again. “RIB EYE STEAKS are one of the joys of my life…” This time she avoided me completely and turned to Carol. “As you probably know the whole area of saturated fats is in a mess now anyway. Just try to trim off the fat and limit red meat to once a week.” I breathed a sigh of relief. I have two beautiful thick rib eye steaks in the freezer which I haven’t touched, but I just felt like I needed to draw the line somewhere.

Yes, I now use a SMALLER GLASS, but I do find myself refilling it several times. Each time I put in less and less, until finally I am just dribbling a mouthful or two into the glass. But somehow the container still seems to empty out pretty fast anyway.

No, it’s not fun being a cardiac patient. But, I am thrilled to be alive! Life is a mixture of tragedy and comedy, sometimes in the same (covered) breath.

Thanks for listening!